A Fine Line

About a year ago I wrote a piece about what architects should consider when planning an elementary school. They need to remember that most elementary teachers are female and not quite as tall as most windows and accessories require. I joked about having to push a chair up to the collar of counters, climb on our knees to pry open the windows, that is if they aren’t locked. The guys who came to change the screens couldn’t pull them down from the top, either. I understood. To open those, you have to take a long pole with a hook and insert it into a loop about 15’ up in the air. Then you’re supposed to pull. It looks like a bad Cirque du Soleil act if they are stuck. Your feet come off the ground and you pull down with all your might. When you’re exhausted, you just pull and dangle while you catch your breath. All this, on a 45° angle.

Well, it happened. My colleague across the hall slipped off the top of the counter and broke her wrist in so many pieces she has to have surgery. It is in her old bones’ memory I write this rant. There are few viable solutions to this problem, but anyone in the newly added part of the building has it. I offer these suggestions:

After this gets done, how about lowering the bulletin boards, postings, white boards and chalkboards so the kids can actually reach them, and then let’s get those TV’s off the ceiling so students don’t have to lie on the floor to see them?

I have to put on my helmet, wrist and knee pads now. I’m about to head over to school.

Nothing brings a group together like shouting about how bad another group is. You see it in politics; maybe you’ll start seeing it more often at school. We can start subtly, when we ask first graders, “Didn’t they teach you how to do that in kindergarten?” or “Who was your teacher last year?” Instant bonding. The lacking to the substantial. Belittling previous teachers makes kids think you’re really smart and that they’re lucky to have you, the brightest, best teacher in the whole school. The school that is so much better than that other school could ever be. In a village that is so much better than our village-friend to the north is.

Ironic that we have our first character education assembly this week. Teachers urge children to live a life of good character, to be caring, fair, compassionate, and respectful as we also address how elections work in the United States. We’ve taken the Disney World approach to teaching social studies telling kids that office holders have important jobs to help citizens stay safe and live the best lives they can. That politicians are special helpers in our country and they have those jobs because they have ideas that most people think are good, and then they got the most votes. What a crock.

Character Education during a presidential campaign is probably not a great idea. In the interest of honesty, maybe we could, every four years, teach kids how to be cut-throat, scheming, chess players who are great wordsmiths and even better word warriors. If we follow the lead of our leaders, dirty politics is the only thing that works. I guess if we’re dumb enough to believe what we’re told just because we’re told it, we deserve the presidents we get. Give me a student who annoys me by asking me why over a student who does whatever he or she is told just because I say so. Respect your elders doesn’t really work and probably never has. We hear about so many adult bottom feeders. Respect your elders if they deserve respect is closer, but then one has to do some investigation around that word deserve.

I’m frustrated that we are teaching children about how presidents are elected while at the same time they are seeing on plasma screens at home, how presidents are really elected. It will look to them as though it is through a lot of screaming, booing, clapping on the beat and bad dancing on piling confetti that moves people to attack one, with a vote for another. I’m pretty sure if we held a mock political campaign in our classroom, plenty of phone calls would be made to the office complaining about our teaching methods. I’ll continue the Disney version where everyone is nice, and be very, very glad that I teach little kids.

I’ve been away for a few days. Got caught up googling “Governors of Alaska.“ It’s been a nice diversion in this humid summer heat. Many of us have already been over at the school buildings setting up our classes. It’s very rewarding as you know volunteer work always is. There are a few things we discovered while we were there, that you may want to know about. It might be a good idea for you to send a fly swatter to school with your child for the first couple weeks. The wasp chat rooms have been full. Stories have been passed from wasp to wasp reliving doorway escapades of days gone by. They’re after the sweet stuff, or the packages it came in and they can’t wait. The ones assigned to the windows will find easy entry in lots of places where screens have been damaged, removed and not replaced. Our choice on hot days is stifling heat or distracting, nasty wasps. You can't smack heat, so send flyswatters. If you are are uncomfortable with insect road kill, teach your children how to trap. You will be responsible for  transporting them to the other school down the street and setting them free in the stairwells.

You will want to send a spray bottle or personal fan along with your child. As you may know, there is no air conditioning in the elementary school classrooms. On days of high humidity and temperatures of eighty-five or ninety, nausea and light headedness may occur. In the past we have filled trays with water for kids to put their feet in, purchased popsicles for them or gone out for water balloon play, but that kind of cool only lasts a short time so consider getting a spray bottle of water for cooling purposes.

Teach your kids fan protocol. We only have one per room, so air hogging will not be tolerated. Kids cannot sit right in front of the fan, blocking the air to everyone else. Fingers can be brought close to the fan blades, although before we dismiss, we’ll let each kid sing into the fan while it’s on, so they can laugh at their exaggerated vibratos, hands behind backs of course.

No spaghetti straps, hemlines no shorter than where your fingers touch your leg with hands to sides and no unacceptable-to-most-parents graphic art or text on t-shirts. Leave home the "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" and"Teachers Suck" t-shirts. "I'm With Stupid" probably shouldn't be worn either. This goes for the teachers too.

Dear John McCain and Barack Obama campaign people. Knock it off. I think I can speak for many of us when I say this. We’re sick of the cute gottcha ads, the one upping, the accusations and dredging up of pasts. If you don’t have better ideas of messages to get out besides one of you is an elite celebrity and another is an old man in expensive shoes here are some ideas.

How about taking the money you’re planning to spend on the next three TV commercials and give it to some school principals who could make great use of it? Staff members would be hired or hired back; full time nurses and psychological services could be purchased. Schools could have their libraries open all the time, maintained by trained school librarians instead of parent volunteers. Your commercial text could simply say: “Rather than run a campaign ad at this time, the money for its creation has been donated to the Shorewood School District for purchase of full time medical staff.” Then maybe show a picture of the school and a smiling child with a Band-Aid across her forehead and a tooth necklace on. The candidate’s name would come onto the screen and then go to a fade.

Instead of running your next juvenile attack ads, why not run this text across the screen? “The cost for creation of an ad for this spot has been used to purchase winter clothing for children in schools who have none.” Kids will have boots to wear through the snow instead of tennis shoes, mittens to put on instead of pulling sweater sleeves over freezing knuckles and scarves to wrap around open necklines of used clothes that will have to last the rest of the school year. Winter is coming and these are not exaggerated examples. People ought to know that every day teachers are providing their students clothing, shoes, boots, supplies, book fair money and field trip fees. I know people will say, well that’s the parents’ job, but you tell that to the six year old standing out at recess in fifteen degree weather covered only with a nylon wind breaker and a sweatshirt.

My colleagues could supply many more worthwhile ideas, so if politicians want to make a change, let‘s see it. If someone wants to defend our country, let’s not forget that our country is made up of its people, many of whom could use the benefits of campaign funding better spent. Putting their money where their mouths are would reap something tangible, definable. I wish someone had the guts to really do this thing differently. Instead of all these dollars going into manipulation, fear and doubt creation, they would give some real meaning to the HOPE and CHANGE both candidates claim they represent.

School starts soon. If you are new to this, allow me to give you some real help. If you’ve been through it all before read it anyway and rate yourself on how well you did with your child’s teacher. Knowing these facts will be helpful and following the advice may well make the difference between early childhood teachers loving you and…well, not loving you. Kindergarten and first grade parents need to know that teachers don’t want you crying your eyes out in the doorway waving goodbye for half an hour on the first day of school. You need to know that your kids will cry as long as you will and not more than 30 seconds longer. I happen to know for a fact that no matter how much blubbering and wailing goes on before you leave, your child is completely fine the minute you’re out of sight. Many a parent has been made a fool of without even knowing it. Oh, and don’t show up early at the end of the day and hang around outside the door either. Teachers know you’re listening in to see if they’re as nice now, as they seemed to be in the morning.

In August, your focus must be on supply accumulation. When you know what to get, get it all. Teachers love it when kids come in on the first day with everything. It means your child won’t have to cry, borrow, pout, withdraw or refuse later on in the week when the real work begins all because they don't have their own pencils yet. Want to score more points with your child’s teacher? Label. You can never overdo the labeling. Label the lunch bag, the pencil case, each crayon, every pencil, shoe, scissor, marker, paint box, eraser, notebook and folder. Show up with a nametag on that says, "Hello. I'm June, Jennifer's mother." (Jennifer, of course will have "Jennifer" embroidered on the front of her T-shirt.)You can’t imagine how territorial kids are and how many problems erupt over unlabeled supplies, desire and raw impulse. When in doubt, label. Love your child. Buy a Sharpie.

When sending food with your child there are things you should know. A snack shouldn’t be a meal, and can‘t be complicated. You could send sliced pears, pickles and fruit cocktail in a black flight box and there would be juice all over everything by 11AM. There is just no time for liquid matter and kids think it’s funny when stuff squirts all over the place. Teachers, not so much. They don’t want you to send juice in those boxes or bags you have to jam the skinny little straws into, either. Teachers want you to know that many of your kids can’t peel. They can’t jam down an apple as big as their face during the five or ten minutes of snack time, especially with only three teeth. They can’t eat applesauce without spoons or open single serving fruit containers, soda cans and Tupperware. If it can spill, it will. When you think food, think dry. Here’s a test. If you, wearing an expensive white silk suit, would be willing to eat the food you send with your child, if it doesn’t change its shape when put in a different container, and if an arthritic can open it, you’ve sent developmentally appropriate food. Unless the teachers provide the snacks, you’ll have to accept the fact that every single day for the next three or four years of your life, you will be obligated to prepare a non-liquid, small sized, pre-sliced, possibly nut free, healthy, dry snack that your child will eat and not be tired of after about thirty-seven days. Good luck with that.

I don’t know what to make of the Fonzie structure in downtown Milwaukee. We are now honoring fictitious characters from sit coms? There aren‘t enough real heroes to worship? How pitiful is that. Surely we can find modern day real heroes to idolize. Maybe Clay Aiken or the winner of Top Chef? They wouldn’t have to be made of something as durable as bronze, we could make them out of wood or paper mache so when The Enquirer uncovers that they are actually scoundrels, their icons can be ripped out of the ground and destroyed.

Let’s just say we go with this make believe idol stuff. Can’t you just imagine bronze book figures scattered throughout Shorewood? It would be kind of fun; reminders of the good times. Maybe The Little Engine That Could would inspire people trying to find a place to park on Oakland Avenue, or Goldilocks in the porridge section of Pic and Save might encourage good breakfast habits. Clifford the Big Red Dog might look nice with raised leg outside the Vet’s office, Curious George looking down from the roof while the guy in the yellow hat is stuck and waving his arms on the island where Capitol and Oakland cross. Naughty little Junie B. Jones could be made to lie in the gutter of a loading zone, saving a place for bronze Harry Potter who stopped off at Schwartz to look in the potion chapter of the latest book in a series called How to Make a Fortune Off Little Kids and Getting Their Parents to Thank You For It. Everywhere we go we will see them, a bronze population giving us security in knowing they’ll never change and we shall be forever young. Think about the possibilities. Little Red Riding Hood in the reception area of the assisted living building going up where the Riverbrook once was, and a nice big wolf in one of the beds down the hall.

The Boomers might find amusement in the resurrected characters of oldie but goodie, TV shows. They would enjoy finding Lucy Ricardo at the Brit, dressed like a man, trying to speak with an English accent so Ricky, who is at one of the tables doesn’t realize she’s there for Karaoke night because she has to win money to replace a conga drum she accidentally dropped out of the apartment window. Ethel and Fred would be outside, listening through the window with a glass swearing they won’t get involved.

Shorewood High School could introduce their campus with a bronze Wally, Eddie Haskell, Lumpy and the Beaver. They would be sitting around a table-clothed dinner table with a wise suit-wearing Ward and domestic pearl-necklaced June, constant reminders of what a real family looks like. Okay, I know. This is a little bit out there and probably wouldn’t work out as cool as it looks in my head.

Know what I mean, Milwaukee?

Since the presidential candidates have to go through some sort of prime time religious vetting process in order to head a state legally bound to separate itself from religion, I started to wonder about this as a premise for all American hiring processes. Imagine being on a selection committee in search of a new kindergarten teacher. You have come up with two people quite qualified for the job, so you hand it over to the nun who will be running the forum over at the Shorewood Library. During that time, she will focus her questions on stewardship, leadership, worldview and America’s role in the world. Let’s see, how would that go?

“So, Miss Johnson, what have you done to improve the lives of people in your community under the age of six?” That would be a toughie. About all I’ve done for kids in my neighborhood is not yell at them if they run across my lawn. Oh, one night at about 11:00 I let some teenagers know that if they kept up the loud laughing and screaming someone would call the police. They didn’t need to know that the “someone” would be me.

“I see here that you were a Brownie Troop leader. Very good. Very good, indeed. How do you think your experience as a Brownie leader will help you when the bus shows up at school for a field trip you forgot to cancel? How does this kind of leadership help the school secretary who set the trip up and who is in charge of all the money you never gave her? What kind of food can you leave on her desk to make her understand how truly sorry you are?”

“Mr. Taylor, you always tell your class to learn as much as they can about the world, that there is a great big world awaiting them, but the music teacher is teaching them the song, “It’s a Small World“. How would you handle that hypocrisy? What third song could you teach them, so they understand that it doesn’t matter how big the world is or isn’t, what matters is that all people understand America is the best country in it. “

“Of course you are a proud American, sir. When you travel, how do you present yourself to others? Would you say you were the camera wearing, map reading, backpack lugging, loud speaking version of an American, or would you say you represented the quiet, thoughtful, still water running deep kind of American who speaks or hears no evil, who walks everywhere because they can’t figure the money out, and who keeps ordering the same food all the time because it’s the only one you know? What plan do you have to convince the rest of the world they should be like us, or at least put written stuff in English?”

The nun finishes writing her notes, closes the notebook, thanks the interviewees and looks at the rest of us. “Remember, tomorrow the candidates for the 3^rd grade spot will be interviewed by Rabbi Bernstein.

Can I hear a big Amen?

Okay parents; it’s time to think about what is soon to be another school year. There are things you need to do besides get supplies. You know you have to get supplies, right? Go to the district website, some supply lists are linked, as well as the calendar for the school year and other interesting information. If you’re new to Shorewood schools, keep the calendar that comes home on the first day. On it you will find everything you need to know about early dismissals, late starts, conferences, days off, menus, and you can connect to many teacher’s classroom sites, as well.

At home, make sure there is a place for your child to read, study and write uninterrupted. Make clear to them it is a workplace and make it look like one. Very young children will need an alphabet, number line, and a place to write new words or spelling words. This can be as easy as 13 papers stapled together with a letter on the top of each. Children can add words and it will become a handy pre-dictionary, without the alphabetical entries, pronunciation guide, syllabication, definition or past and plural forms. What’s in it for you? It will cut in half the number of times you have to hear, “How do you spell…? “ Have a place for your child to put a backpack that should be weighted with notebooks, assignments, and other communications from school. Please, teach your child how to put papers into pocket folders. They have no clue. This will make it more likely you’ll see the homework due the next day, field trip slips, and returned and graded assignments. Please don’t let them get away with jamming papers down to the depths of the pack. So many times people will insist we teachers didn't send something home or give an assignment to their child. Then two weeks later they find it when they’re cleaning up the homework packets and paper wads cushioning the fall of the empty, like new folders. Put an analog clock nearby and tell child that for the next 20 minutes it's worktime, even if they say the teacher didn’t give any homework.

We know that kids have done their homework over breakfast, in the car on the way to school and even outside on the playground before school. It happens, but it should be the exception and not the rule. Please set up a time of day that will be for reading and homework, and it can’t be right before bed. That really never works. Probably the biggest challenge kids have had with getting homework finished and handed in is lack of time. They go to lessons, or play on a sports team, or they have to go watch a sibling take lessons or be on a sports team. If there is any way to cut down the number of evenings little kids, especially, have to be gone the better it will be. Some children are so busy doing, the time for thinking about school assignments suffers. We get work back that clearly no one has looked at. You don’t have to give your child answers, but if something is wrong they need to be made aware of it. Children have actually handed in papers with their own names spelled wrong, which I guess is better than the pile of no-names given by children then referred to as “Betty”.

When your child is finished with work, make him or her put it in the folder, then folder in the backpack and pack leaned up against the door you leave through in the morning. It’s hard to forget something you fall over.

Well, Aaron Rodgers played his first game as starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. He’s following a legend. That has to suck. It’s hard to be the one coming after someone who was something more than you are whether it’s smarter, wittier, faster, stronger, prettier, and a long list of er words you may have of your own. I’m sure when Aaron gets his first paycheck, the pressure will seem a little more worth it. When you’re a kid following a sibling, it can either be like following Favre or following the family dufus, which is a whole lot easier.

Sometimes children are put in the weird position of being compared to one or the other parent, back in the day. It’s funny how many conferences come around to parents going on about how they learned and responded to school. One year a dad was taking blame for his child having trouble reading. This kid worked hard, but reading was a struggle. The parent told me in a don’t worry about it kind of way that he was just like that in school and that Roland was probably following in his footsteps. At this point, the mom leaned over and reminded dad that this conference was about their adopted son, Roland, and not him. There are also parents who make decisions for their children based on shoulder chips they’ve kept from their own childhoods. Usually this happens when a parent thinks their child gifted, and then remembers feeling bored in school because the teacher didn‘t realize what a genius he was. So in a tactical move against possible doldrums, parents push the teachers to push their children. This seldom works, incidentally. We are culminations of our own experiences.

It’s great when you get a sibling in your class, you already know the parents and they have a clear understanding that this child is not the other. This one may be the complete opposite, a composite of similarities and differences appreciated by the parents who just step back and watch life unfold.

So Aaron, although we love Brett and may accidentally call you Brett every now and then, be patient with us. We’re trying to see you as an individual just starting your career of a lifetime. When you drop a ball, we may inquire about what the matter with you is; when you get sacked, we may say something about our grandmothers being able to get rid of a ball faster than you, but when a pass is intercepted, we’ll go away shaking our heads saying, "Geez...he’s just like Brett.”

You cannot start early enough to make a child into an Olympian. Just to let you know, we teachers are doing what we can. Although it is done in combination with other school activity and studies, we have built in some gentle, but continuous cross and endurance training.

Swim teams can rest assured that our children are used to being in water. They begin very harmlessly, just learning how to drink hunched over a water fountain with feet dangling six inches over the floor. This builds strong-arm muscles and gets them used to having their faces covered in water. We then add another layer, which is cleverly disguised as hand washing. This gets them ready for holding their arms out in front of them while diving. When they are able to sing the entire A-B-C song while soaping and rinsing, they move to the next level. Since children in first and second grade don’t always take to being squirted in the face by a super soaker, training becomes more individualized and integrated into out of school activities. It cuts down lawsuits, as well. Until they can take having a water balloon burst in their hands and onto their clothes without crying, no such training should be initiated.

Some students show specific talent for diving. You can see them in the classroom reaching down through piles of trash, looking for something they saw in there that the teacher threw out. They show great flexibility also, springing off the chairs, stages, risers, or classmates who chose that unfortunate time to take a little breather and sit on the steps. We give them an annual reminder to yell, “DUCK!“ before leaping, of course.

Track stars have a couple Olympic-friendly talents. One is they learn to tell time quickly and keep track of its elapse even more skillfully, and secondly they can clear any hurdle, beat any last minute direction and make it out of the room, down the hall and out the door before the last aural remnants of the dismissal bell are gone.

From the time they are little, until they are five years more than little, children leap up to touch overhangs, banners, doorstops, posted signs and doorways. By the time they reach 6^th grade, most can do it and were it not for our great custodial staff, we’d have the years of wall plaque to prove it. Adding recycling bins has been of real benefit to the basketball dream teams to be, as well. They now have three different heights and widths to aim for. If you are observant, you’ll see them start with scraps from their snacks or a party or something and develop year-by-year into paper tossers, unwanted art project projectors, corrected homework chuckers and eventually someone else’s P.E. shoe flingers. Nothin’ but net. U-S-A! U-S-A!

There is so much more to teaching than meets the eyes. We are providing opportunities for children to find the Olympian within and then nurturing it by ignoring the otherwise unacceptable behaviors. Now, if we could just make school “LZR” suits like the swim team got, we could do it even faster. So to the little Michael Phelps or Shawn Johnson kindergartners out there…

We’re ready for you.

This year I’m going to start tough. When the first graders come in, the welcome lesson I’ll teach is that I’m no sucker. I’ve noticed a pattern over the years, certain behaviors and statements kids make when they are trying to manipulate a situation. Jumping on it first will take the power away before they realize they might actually have some. Yes, this will be the year of total classroom control.

When we have our introductory class meeting I’ll look them all straight in the eyes and tell them to not bother attempting a third or fourth chance at something, that the cute little faces that melt hearts of parents and grandparents won’t work with me. I’ve been in this too long. Looking up with crossed hands and hopeful eyes won’t make me let them do something I already said they couldn’t, and the four slurred measures of pleaseeeeeeeee…is just a lame and pitiful response provoking no emotional response from me whatsoever.

It takes us teachers some time to believe it, but we eventually learn what conniving little creatures children can be; little Lucy Ricardos, thinking up ways to get out of, or included in something all the time.

This year it ends. This year I declare victory over my own domain. This year, I’ll beat them at their own game before it even begins. Year after year, as though passed along like tradition, children do it, and do it everywhere. They play the “cute card” and not only from the bottom of the deck, but from decks made up of nothing but cute cards.

A discussion that took place last year clinched it for me. Somehow these little politicians got into sharing looks and phrases they used on their parents to get what they wanted out of them. We went around the circle, displaying money-face after money-face, guaranteed by the user to deliver. Some held simple pushed out purse lips on a head looking down with eyes looking up. Some were drama laden drops to knees, folded hands outstretched toward the heartstrings of the victim-authority who if not careful will be giving in to this slick little actor, saying “Oh, alright! Go ahead.”

You can beat them at their own games, however. Give them a list of choices they don’t really want, but would do. Add to it some real undesirables. My choices for kids become: reading, writing a book, doing a science experiment, playing math games, playing a language arts game called Suffixes and Prefixes, looking in magazines for things that start with J, and doing math flash cards. The last three, I have found to be real enthusiasm killers.

They choose and happily run off to a book they want to read, begin working with a friend to write and illustrate a book, take off to do a science experiment and a few want to do math games. They never saw it coming. They don’t understand yet that trumping the cute card is, and always will be, every teacher‘s game breaker,

The “Child Psychology” card.

When you interview for the job, be sure you act humble. Don’t go into the interview thinking you already have the job. Bosses would rather see you holding back your confidence so you seem like you are what you ought to be which is whatever you think they want.

Be sure you stop at the playground to say hi to the kids before you appear for your interview unless, of course, someone is looking then they might think you’re just being a suck-up. As you squat down to talk to some little kid, make sure no one is watching except maybe one staff member who can run and tell the principal what a nice person you are.

Wear something that shows you actually love children like a tie or headband that has happy multi-cultured children’s faces on it or socks embroidered with, “I © Children. I Really, Really Do.” Don’t wear expensive clothes or make your hair look too good or you’ll be judged to be snobby; besides nobody trusts teachers who dress in gloatingly expensive clothing. How do they sit on the floor and finger-paint in a three-piece suit? People dressed too nicely are in danger of giving the impression that they have no intention of sponging paint off the hamster or crawling around to find the little ballerina that fell off the necklace the little girl who is crying in the arms of her friend brought to school against your sternest warnings. One more very important bit of advice: If you look over and see lint on your shoulder, don’t brush it off. That’s a rapper sign for something bad.

When you meet the interview committee, just shake their hands. Knocking nuckles and sticking your thumb up makes people uncomfortable and wary. Likewise,a handshake that continues around the thumb, over the hand, palm to palm until it finally concludes in a low, then high-five will just confuse people. A simple, not too limp not too cocky hand in hand greeting will work beautifully. Look humble but don’t be humble, but don’t be not humble too obviously. Suggest someone say the pledge of allegiance before starting the session and then with hand over heart look very, very serious as you stare in only one direction which is flag wise.

It would be great if people could see you ride away on a bike or in a Ford Escort. Although a Prius would make a nice impression, driving one of those may suggest you can actually afford one. If you walked, understand that someone has already taken note of your footwear. Avoid very high heels unless you’re applying for an administrator’s job. Something black or brown with a lot of rubber and pleather would bid a comfortable good-day.

If you take to heart these simple tips, you can rest assured that any job in America could maybe be yours.

Driving three blocks to work is hard to defend. Believe me, I’ve tried. I try to avoid arriving at the same time the bicyclists do but should that occur, I drag a big cardboard box from the back of the car, pretend it’s heavy and lug it to the door, making it seem like a legitimate waste of energy. When someone offers a helping hand, I admit to having arm flab that needs tightening making carrying heavy things desirable. “Want me to carry your bike inside?”

This summer, as I tugged the now karmatically dead lawn mower out, I was forced to actually touch my bike. How I used to love that thing. She’s a beauty, born in the 80s and from France, making it very cosmopolitan indeed. Nice gel seat, goofy little bell and toe clips for when I want to face-break the finish ribbon at the next charity event I ride for. I was sure Madame Sarkozy’s grandmother must have had one just like it.

Baby boomers need a transitional bike if we are really going to make this “cut gas use” thing work. We need seats made by Laz-y Boy, maybe with a back on them. Pedals don’t need to move in circular motion, do they? It would feel much more comfortable to have them just push down, like the motions of pushing in the brake, accelerator pedal or clutch. Helmets that look more like over-the-head-driver’s-seats would be nice. Maybe a little wiper across the front and map holders over each ear. The security one would feel could possibly make up for the undoubtedly ridiculous summative look.

Since the green grim reaper shopping bag arrived, I’m finding myself feeling guilty about everything environmental. It’s not consciousness, it’s good old fashion fight the feeling, dander getter upper, push my heels in guilt. It’s the first in the two stages of imposed change acceptance. Have patience for those who may take a little longer, who don’t even separate clothes colors before they wash much less differing kinds of plastics. Remember, green is not a primary color. Give the rest of us a little time; time to separate the blue of the past with the yellow of the future. We’re trying.

Rest easier, knowing that feeling guilty is the first step.

So for the last few days I’ve been reminded of how difficult it can be to be a student. I didn’t take a class, get private lessons or a tutor because I always figure, “How hard can it be?” All I wanted to do was put up a shower rod. I had all the tools a handy woman like me would ever need, including my alternative tool supply of butter knives, spatulas and a high heeled shoes. I’ve discovered these to be must-haves after a few decades of trying to complete one respectable DIY project.

I got one of those hotel shower rods that curves out so you think you’re in a huge shower “station” instead of just pirouetting in the tiny casket tub behind the plastic tropical fish curtain. The directions made it seem easy, and it was until I actually started the installation. While it may seem that screwing in two screws would be easy, try it in a wall made of pie crust with cement block behind it. I did learn something. First off, I learned that power drills are hard to hold in place when the screw is three inches long and wobbling around. (The gouge seems a bit better today but I’ll probably lose the fingernail.) I also learned that pounding in a screw, no matter how mad you are, does nothing but make a huge hole in plaster and then you have to pound in a plastic plug thing which goes in fine for about 1/8 “ and then it bends in the shape of a C. To pry that out requires a chisel that you have to buy at Home Depot on the ninth trip over there to either purchase or return something. The chisel gets the plug out, alright, but the way I did it left a new hole about two inches across with a tributary crack about twice that.

While engaged in this endeavor, I thought of how kids must feel when they just can’t catch on to something, if they weren‘t given the right tools or the tools don't work. Imagine not being able to vent in some primeval way when you just can’t seem to understand something everyone else does, no matter how many times you try. This experience was a good reminder and very humbling. It would behoove every parent to take a moment to think of their children when they are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or just plain stupid.

A word to my students: Any time the work of school starts getting to you, makes you frustrated or angry and you feel like you are going to explode, just let me know. You can walk down the hall, open the doors to the big outside, step onto the playground where you can jump and scream until you feel better.

I will thoroughly understand.

Money a little tight this summer? Have you bought in to the “Staycation” craze yet? In case you’re not familiar with the term, a staycation is a vacation without the transportation. Plane fares and schedules are unpredictable or expensive or both, gas is expensive, food is expensive, let’s just say it’s too expensive to take a break from the high cost of living.

You might hear people on TV or the radio talking about great ideas for substituting a home vacation for, say, a trip to Disneyland. Their recommendations are that the family all wears Mickey Mouse ears, polka dot dresses and black tuxes and exaggerate happy actions for the entire weekend. Make kids wait for a couple hours between rope barricades to jump in the blow-up pool as you yell, “Look out for the alligators!” in attempts to make it a thrill experience.

If the kids were looking forward to their first plane trip, no need to deny them the memorable parts. To simulate the seating, surround your child's middle seat chair with packing boxes. Put a huge stuffed gorilla or something on one of the boxes, so its arm, flubs over the armrest into your child's ribs. Make an aisle by moving all the furniture to form a skinny corridor that goes only to the bathroom in one direction, and a lounge chair you don't let them sit in, in the other. Pile magazines and books up to the ceiling in the bathroom so there is only room to stand in one 12"X12" spot.

Another idea I heard was as a result of a canceled trip to Hawaii. The mom bought a big box of leis off E-Bay, invited family and friends, stuck an apple in a thawed chicken cavity and called it a pig. They suggest following the same model for other locations, as well. Were you going to go to London? Serve every meal with warm tomato slices, removing the salmonella first, tea and toast on a toast rack and don’t forget adding “blimey” or “bloody” to statements throughout the day. Blimey is an expression that translates to “Oh, darn…” and bloody is an adjective as in, “The neighbors are playing ukulele, hula dancing, barbequing a bloody apple plugged chicken on a spit, pretending they’re in bloody Hawaii.”

Teachers have staycations all the time. We did it last year when the sun hadn’t shone for two weeks. We called it Sun Day and played music that mentioned the sun, drew suns, used yellow paper for everything, and wore sun themed or yellow clothing. It did cheer us up, but I think it was just the novelty of painting during language arts time. We used to have Green Bay staycations back in the day when Brett Favre was quarterback. We’d wear green and gold, put tape on the carpet to simulate yard lines, made a kid stand at each end with both bent arms up to be field goals, and had that day’s snack distributor yell out, “Get your snacks, here! Only no cents a bag!” and then she would toss a baggie full of pretzels at someone.

I’m glad to see people getting creative about time at home. This weekend I’m pretending to be on “Design Star” as I attempt to grout, tile, and paint my bathroom. When I’m finished I’ll have three neighbors come over and tell me what they liked and what I sort of screwed up on. They’ll tell me I’m safe this week, but will not have immunity for the next challenge. That makes me want to try all the harder when I move on to adding crown molding to the outside of the house.

There is still a lot of summer left, folks. Enjoy your vacations, staycations, Green Bay-cations, daycations, farm trip haycations, couch potato laycations, or just keep your nose to the grindstone and have what many of us will,

a naycation.

Thiensville, you should have met with even one teacher before your parade. Actually, anyone doing anything ever that involves kids should check with the masters. We’ll tell you what will and what won’t work. Loose candy? Doesn’t work. It’s like a homerun ball sent into the stands. Get ready for pushing, injury, aggression and someone’s eye being put out. No matter how much churching, lecturing or reminding... flying candy and a crowd of kids? Not gonna work. Kids are all alpha dogs when it comes to airborne free stuff. Not all, mind you…there are those kids who shrink off to the sides or cover their faces with blindfold hands in this kind of situation. What the chaos theory of doling does, unfortunately, is to reward the already pushy children or the kids whose parents egg them on to get some of the candy they weren’t able to catch when they were kids. It’s hard to watch yours get nothing when the little brat in front of you has three pieces already.

But, Port Washington? Way to go. You must have had good advisement. Parade participants there just walk up to the kids and hand out the candy. It’s clear; “See this candy? It’s yours, here take it. And you, running up from the back of the crowd with your right arm stuck out, waving your hand like the one who has the answer? Watch yourself so not get a piece.” Now that’s how to run candy distribution.

Something happens with children, even children who come from wealthy homes, when getting something is involved. Children who ride to school on motorized scooters with Corinthian leather pack packs are capable of acting like complete jerks when anything is given out. This is not just a food issue. You can be handing out anything and there are kids who have to get their paper first, the markers first, their favorite chairs in their favorite spots at their favorite tables. They want the first napkin at snack time and to be first in line no matter whom they have to negotiate with, intimidate or shove. Something happens whenever first is involved. We may have caused that by telling children when they misbehave to “Go to the end of the line!” This automatically makes the front desirable. I digress.

Here’s an idea. Forget the candy. Kids don’t need it. For many, that’s all too clear. If kids can’t be excited just by seeing a parade, you have to decrease the amount of good stuff they get at home. The big argument I get around this from my colleagues is that children look forward to the candy toss, it‘s fun and they enjoy it. The kids that catch something enjoy it. The ones that don’t just take that one-more-brick-of-reasons-to-be-bitter and add it to incident bullet vests to use at some later time--maybe when they are teachers, handing out candy.

Children can get excited by anything. You can have five purple napkins and the rest yellow. The five become the desired. With kids, whatever there is not enough of becomes the objet du désir, like single men to baby boomer women. Parades are fun for kids because they go with people they love to be with, see the streets emptied of cars and full of big color, sound, and something different. It‘s a break from normal.

Take it from teachers; it’s never about what can be caught in an open hand.

So we’re all going to get reusable grocery bags. That’s what I read, anyway. Every household will have the opportunity to feel good about packing the Styrofoam and molded super plastic that fits so tightly around the item, you need a tile saw to open it. If it helps any, I don’t need a new grocery bag. I have two that I continually leave at home full of something else I had to haul.

There’s also the advertising. If you really want people to use things, don’t put a bunch of ads on them. It makes people feel as though they’re being used, which of course we are but as one might argue, in exchange for the bag. How about the ads on the bottom, or the inside? Besides, people don’t go to places because they saw an ad on a bag or a shirt or a shoe or boxer waistbands. People shop at your places because they are handy, high quality and have what we need.

While I am guilty of plastic bag use, I do toss my garbage in them rather than buy a roll of Hefty bags to put the chicken scraps and moldy pasta salad in. My behavior no doubt would change if I had to pay an extra $.75 at the register to get a bag. I’d probably even remember to keep one in my car. Local vendors needn’t worry about losing our business with gas prices as high as they are we’re a captive clientele. It’s the perfect time to start our “green for green” campaign. Money for a bag. Easy.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture and the cause it is directed toward. But, if there is money to spare after getting all of us a bag, I can tell you for a fact that the middle school could use some 21^st Century technology. $5000 would just about get a couple Smartboards. You don’t know what a Smartboard is? Most of your kids probably don’t know either.

My point, exactly.

You know it’s a good gig when someone retires then wants back in a few times. You won’t find that to be a trend in the teaching business. Generally, teachers who sit before the press and make their statements do so with a plane ticket in one hand and a martini in the other. They have agonized over the decision for months; do they sell the house and get an RV with a wet bar and hot tub, or keep the house and build that tatami mat meditation room with plenty of room for the chi to flow through? The same room that will have surround sound, a water feature, lucky bamboo and an indoor home theater built off to the side painted in colors called, Peace or Tranquility.

You could tell from the beginning of the second end of his career that Brett just wasn’t ready. He wasn’t the way all my retiring teacher friends have looked in the past. He was, well…crying. That’s no way to go out. You should go laughing out loud. Now granted, there are some teachers who have done a Favre retirement and gone a few years too early. They keep coming back. They are, for the most part, Hall of Fame teachers but will never be called by a sculptor for their head measurements. Then there are a couple who come back like mothers in law to see if the top of the doorways have been dusted.

All in all, most teachers who retire return only once, just so everyone can see how well rested they look and hear about all the cool stuff they’ve been doing. It’s nice to see them and reaffirm the sometimes hard to believe belief that there is more to life than pre-testing, zipping jackets and convincing kids that we really can see them picking their noses even if they try to hide it with the other hand. These folks are taking cooking classes, traveling, working on projects, volunteering, reading, sleeping, shopping during daylight and going to the dentist without having to take the day off.

So what I would say to Brett is maybe he needs to make his world a little bigger. There has to be more to life than hunting, golf, football and being a kazillionairre. Maybe he should take all that passion and energy and channel it into something new.

Hey, how ‘bout teaching?

Don’t you hate it when you’re sitting on a dais behind a microphone and you mention that you’d like to cut out some guy’s body parts and two hours later the whole cable-watching world hears you say it? Yeah, that’s a bummer. It was shocking. I can’t believe in 2008 that anyone in public life could be so careless as to think the mic in front of him wasn’t hot, video cameras weren’t running, cell photos weren’t clicking or text pads were not being played like Steinways at a Van Cliburn Competition.

What this, and other events like this, reveals is that in the end, we’re all just human. Let the news cycle of apologies begin. The real you dribbled out of your mouths and all over the images we’ve created of you. Now we know. You were too good to be true. Welcome to the real world.

Many things about teaching children in “real world” style confuse me. Which real world are we getting students ready for? The world that exists when the mic is on, or in the grit of the whispered truth? Do we get them ready for the world we want to think we live in, the world we want them to think we live in or some other place? When faced with this teach-for-the-real-world challenge, you think about it more than most.

Most real world stuff is learned by living. We can teach common language of math facts, making change, driving, writing and decoding the majority language but the fact is, there are many real worlds out there. The five-wives-families out west are clear on what the real world is and we just shake our heads and wonder why they can’t see that they have been duped. Why do we reincarnate flag draped Horatio Alger as we applaud the puller of the bootstraps, but seem to dismiss the fact that some jobs in America are understood as being just too hard, too physical, or not worthy of our undeniable coolness? Do we ready kids for a “if they hit you, hit them back“ world, or do we walk Oakland Avenue looking for a peer mediator with an open sign? What happened to the world in which we turn the other cheek? Isn’t that attainable if you try hard enough, or is it just like the nice, small world Disney has given us for just a few bucks a pop? Should kids be told that some day they, too, could be president of the United States standing tall on a platform of virtue with nothing but a flag pin and National Honor Society membership; or do we tell them the truth?

The real world stuff is more complicated than it sounds. Here’s to the teachers, spending many unpaid hours this summer preparing for a new school year. A year during which they will be out there every day juggling worlds, meeting deadlines, satisfying administrators, keeping records, assessing, reassessing, reporting in triplicate, teaching reading, writing, math, science, social studies, dental hygiene, character education, health, computer skills, problem solving, coping skills, fire safety, history, citizenship, penmanship, spelling, social skills, work skills, study skills, decision making, and communicating in the language of every family they serve…thinking somehow it is all possible. What makes good teachers so inspirational is even though they understand the real world, they keep trying anyway.

Ensuring that your child knows what to do during school recess periods can affect his peer group and social life more than you may know. Teaching simple rules and activities will make inclusion more likely, make your child more confident and guaranty you will have less free time than you thought you might this summer. Suck it up, put on your tennis shoes and get out in the yard.

1. Jump Rope: It’s not as easy as it seems. For children who haven’t been shown the ropes, it can be extremely frustrating to not know how to turn or jump the classroom rope. Although it sounds improbable, there are children who don’t get that they have to lift their feet up when the rope comes down in front of them. They just stand and let it smack their ankles. Back up a bit. Teach kids first how to hop. Second, work on reaction time. Try yelling, “Hop!” wait, “Hop!” wait, “Hop!” and see how long it takes for words to make it to feet. If it takes more than a second, it’s too early to add the rope. In that case, get some of those cds of children’s songs inviting kids to join along in the actions. When they get the concept of anticipation, bring out the clothesline again.

2. Another timing related activity is catching a ball. If you toss your child a ball and it bounces off his chest, it should be obvious he doesn’t get it. Show him how to physically get body and hands in front of the ball to at least make some contact. Start with a beach ball. Stand about four inches away and basically hand the ball to your child. Move back about three inches and do the same. Do this until your child is out of direct reach and you have to toss it. When there is a successful catch from ten feet away, move to phase two. Get a Styrofoam ball slightly smaller than the beach ball. Stick a really skinny dowel or pointer in it and hold that end. Create its path to your child’s waiting hands. Think back on the good old days when you flew that spoonful of olive green baby food into lips not sure they wanted to open. It will take time, but be lavish with the praise.

“Great! You’re facing the right way!”

“I love the way you are picking your hands up when the ball comes flying at you.”

“Fantastic, now uncover your eyes and see if you can do it again.”

3. Spend some time at the playground your child will actually be playing on in fall. Teach him or her how to climb, slide, hang and swing. Believe it or not, there are kids who will sit on the swing and just wait, dangle legged. You have to show her how to move her limbs to get it started. You have to make sure your child can begin independently. Also, she needs to know not to let go and do the dare devil fly forward into the dirt to end her ride. Slow down, get off, keep teachers uninvolved. Don’t teach her how to spin around really fast after twisting the chains, either. Can’t do that in school. It will put someone’s eye out.

4. Teach your child how to hang upside down from the lower bars. The girls, especially, seem to love this. They do this all the time. Have her approach the bar, pull herself up to a sitting position and then coach her as to how to drop down and hang from the crook of the knees. If she can spin around the bar while hanging from one knee and then end up in a sitting position, she’ll be a total star. Boys think this is sissy stuff and will voice it. Make them try it. It's hilarious.

5. The slide. Kids have to go up the ladders one at a time, hanging on to the rail with both hands. When at the top, no leaning over and screaming at friends. That scares the teachers. Just sit and go. Don’t stop to talk half way down, congregate at the top or remain at the bottom for more than just a second or they'll have footprints on their backs from the kid who came down right after them. Imagine there is always someone waiting.

6. Simple skills and rules for team sports. If you don’t know them, Google. If your child is a hot head (and you know it by now) encourage him not to play team games until he can handle people disagreeing with him or his side losing. Tell kids to establish or review the rules of the game before the actual game. Make sure they know people have different ways of playing, and that screaming in another person’s face isn’t a way to negotiate.

Maybe the Olympics will inspire enthusiasm for sports with something other than a football, a beer and a plate of nachos.

(Brett, if you’re reading this…please come back. It’s not too late.)